"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"