Very painful for me, but here it goes...

Discussion in 'Prayer Request' started by dgde4x4man, Jan 6, 2006.

  1. dgde4x4man

    dgde4x4man New Member

    Messages:
    466
    State:
    La Moille, Illinois
    Okay not sure how to start this as it is still painful for me to talk about but I figure who better to talk about tought things than your family and that is what I consider you all.

    I found out back in Oct. my wife was having an affair. She now says it is all over (the affair) when I found out and has had no other contact with this man. I am having a very hard time trusting her 100% and getting this behind me so we can move on. I guess it's not the trusting her but the trusting him to not talk to her. Good thing is that he lives aways away from us so it is not easy for them to see each other. Most of the contact was on the phone except for twice where it was "more". And the kicker was I was fishing with brothers at outings and did'nt catch anything..LOL.

    I have forgiven her but can not forget and she says she still has feelings for the guy but nothing like before and that it gets easier for her everyday. I just need to talk to my brothers for support. This is the reason why the naked fat man has been gone for so long. I have tried some aother message boards that deal with this subject but I trust ya'll more than anything and to listen to me and help me out through all this.

    She says she loves me and is happy but I have a hard time believeing it since I was lied to for about two years and she is still acting the same way which is distant to me. She says she think she might have outgrown showing the love and affection. I told her it's the little stuff that means so much to me..the slap on the butt on the way to the kitchen etc... I can not remember the last time she intiated anything like a holding hand or me hearing I love you with out the "you too" on the end. I am so sorry for rambling like this but I'm just so mixed up at times.

    Before anyone says councling she will not go...already tried that route and she will not do it.

    Have any brothers been where I have been and does it get easier? Will the pain and pictures in my head ever go away?

    Thanks ya'll ,
    Dgde4x4man
     
  2. vini

    vini New Member

    Messages:
    1,389
    State:
    Fresno
    Man you're a better man then me i'd have left her already.

    I think the part about her refusing counseling says alot also, she's unwilling to talk things out and thru, she's hiding something from you, thats just my opinion of course you know her alot better .

    Have you sat down and gotten her to honestly say whats missing between the two of you that she would do this? or is it this other guys has some special thing you don't have? if it was just a sex thing that needs to be looked at closely and honestly or is it emotional?

    You guys need counseling and I'd get the hell on if she's not willing to make things better and right, you're wasting you're time on her theres women who are trustworthy just like yourself, you can do better in this life then getting stepped on.

    This is all just my opinion i'm not in you're shoes, don't feel what you feel for her but sounds like you're heading for more of a broken heart and how much can a guy take? how much are you willing to take?

    Best to you my hats off.
     

  3. dgde4x4man

    dgde4x4man New Member

    Messages:
    466
    State:
    La Moille, Illinois
    It was more of an emtional thing that physical since it only happened twice although if they lived closer together who knows then. There are two sides to every story hoss. I know I was not the perfect husband and have done my best to change things. I had a terrible name calling thing going on that I am not very proud of. I have stopped that all together. Kind of hard to love someone when they call ya names. We grew apart alot when I started fishing more seriously. I would go out every Saturday all day and night fishing and would leave her at home with the boys since she did not like going. Not saying that is the reason but I think alot had to do with me being gone when they were home. That has stopped as well. I realize how much her and my boys mean to me so I would rather spend more time with them at home or whatever. I asked her if she would like that and she said "maybe" with a tone of more like yes...ya know? Not saying I ain't fishing..I'm not comitting suicide here. LOL. Just maybe down to once a month or so. Thanks for your input Vini.
     
  4. Mutt

    Mutt Administrator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    18,512
    State:
    Ca
    Name:
    Mutt
    Well sure sorry to hear about the troubles you got going been there done that
    more then once. I cant and wont tell you what to do but all i can say is what ive done or would do in your position. Once the trust is gone which it looks like it is to me. it is very hard to ever trust that person again sometimes it may never come back. the sad thing about it is even if you do decide to move on down the road you will find it very hard to trust again. my x wife cheatd on me and a long time girlfriend i had done the tame thing. after both of them one girlfrid i had i felt i couldnt trust why because of my x and the one girlfriend. i am remarried now do i trust my wife yes and no. I know she has never cheated on me but do i feel she wont ever to be honest i dont know all becasue of that trust being broken with my first wife and my x girlfriend. if you dont want to go this path like i have get counseling. if she wont go she is hiding something and go by yourself. would i stay in the situation your in anymore since i been there nope i wouldnt i aint forgiving enough or trusting enough anymore. takes a big person to stay with someone once that trust is gone. do yourself a favor if she wont then you go seek professional help i wish i did. its pretty sad when you feel you can trust your friends more then your wife/girfriend who is possed to be a part of you. good luck on what ever you decide and hang in there.
     
  5. Rat

    Rat New Member

    Messages:
    236
    State:
    Forrest Illinoi
    Chris, I'm sorry to hear you got troubles, Brother. All I can suggest is don't make any rash decisions. Think everything through twice, and make sure it's what you want to do. Sounds like you are making an effort to improve things, give it some time and see what happens. You can always go another route at a later date.
    Take care Hoss, and I hope it all works out the best way possible.
    Rat
     
  6. dgde4x4man

    dgde4x4man New Member

    Messages:
    466
    State:
    La Moille, Illinois
    She has a very hard time opening up to anybody even me about some things that is why she said no to the counseling. I would go in a heartbeat if I could afford it but there is no extra money for it right now. I talk to her about this stuff but sometimes I feel it is on deaf ears. Thats why I came to my "other" family.
     
  7. dgde4x4man

    dgde4x4man New Member

    Messages:
    466
    State:
    La Moille, Illinois
    Rat!!! If that ain;t a breath of freash air. You brought a smile to my face just seeing you in here again! Welcome back hoss!!!!
     
  8. catfishcentral

    catfishcentral New Member

    Messages:
    1,497
    State:
    OK
    Chris,

    If you belong to any Church you might try going there for some free counseling. I know it would be better if you both go but I bet you could get something out of it by yourself. Then if your wife see's you going she might be more apt to go with you. I know you feel very hurt but you said you have "forgiven" her so keep trying. I hope all works out for you.
     
  9. tncatfishing

    tncatfishing New Member

    Messages:
    916
    State:
    clk. tn
    Been their done that, still going through it. It is hard, realy hard to deal with. But with me it seems to be getting easier. But then you start thinking about it all over again. Time does not cure all, you just learn to live with it. You wonder when she is out about, what is she realy doing. The phones ring she picks up and starts talking, and your mind says who is she talking to. The wonder about trust will be their for a long time. Best thing find something to keep your mind busy, be very involved with your childrens lives. Hang in their.
     
  10. centralcalcat

    centralcalcat New Member

    Messages:
    1,163
    State:
    Marion, TX
    I went through something similar myself last year, but mine took another path. My EX-WIFE cheated on me last year. I figured it out after about five weeks. So we ended up seperating and now in two weeks the divorce is final.

    After someone you trust like your wife cheated on you it is tough to get things back to the same and honestly they never will be the same no matter how hard you try. That unquestioning trust was violated. I am not saying to leave her, because that is a decision that every man must make for himself. But if you are to stay together, you need to talk to her and look inside yourself to figure out ways to bring as much of that trust back as possible.

    That could be as simple as talkign more or spending more time together, but whatever it takes if you love each other you can make it work.
     
  11. Matthew72

    Matthew72 New Member

    Messages:
    394
    State:
    Cobden Il.
    Man, I wish there was somethin I could say to make you feel better. I thank most of us have had some feelins that somethin may be goin on behind our back. I thank it is sad for it to be true. I wish you the best of luck and you are in my prayers. I would suggest maybe goin over to the church and settin down with a preacher. sometimes that can help. Take care brother,and let me know if I can do anythang to help.
     
  12. Catbird

    Catbird New Member

    Messages:
    294
    State:
    Fayetteville, Ohio
    Chris, first off I second the need for counseling. If she's not interested, that is her right. You need to take care of yourself first for you and your boys. If you have an honorable discharge from the military, there may be help out there for you. First check on the local county level. A lot of states have programs for free counceling if you qualify. If that doesn't work, check with your local Veteran's Affairs office. Good Luck brother.
     
  13. BullDaddy

    BullDaddy New Member

    Messages:
    905
    State:
    Bossier City, La.
    Chris, my situation was the opposite. I was the one that was doing wrong and my wife left me. We were on again and off again for 2 years before we finally got divorced. Once I lost my family I realized what I had and cleaned up my act. We were married for 10 years before the divorce and we got remarried last year. It took a while for me to regain her trust but she does trust me again. There are times that she will get insecure and think I have done something wrong but she calms down and knows I have been doing what I am supposed to be doing. It doesn't happen often but is does happen. You can trust her again if she puts in the effort. We didn't go through counsiling so you can do it without going. I am not saying you can't go for yourself cause that could really help you sort out what you are going through. I called some family counciling centers and they had a sliding scale to pay for the sessions based on how much you make. I hope you can work it out. It took alot of courage on your part to just talk about this to other people, that makes me think you will do what it takes to make this work. Don't know if this will help or not not, but I thought I would give you my experience on this.
     
  14. truck

    truck New Member

    Messages:
    156
    State:
    williamsburg ohio
    Good luck buddy do what your heart says is right :)
     
  15. TDawgNOk

    TDawgNOk Gathering Monitor (Instigator)

    Messages:
    3,365
    State:
    Tulsa, Oklahoma
    Chris, I'm sorry to hear about the problems your having right now. Right now you have to remember that YOU are important, and you have to take care of yourself and your boys. Beyond that, give it to God. He created you, and was involved in the mingling of your spirit with your wifes. You just have to trust him to work this out, and do your best every day, to be the best husband and father that you can be. Things will turn around, and you will be able to trust again, but it will take time.

    God Bless Brother, if you need to talk, I'm almost always in chat, or you can PM me.
     
  16. Cataholic

    Cataholic Guest

    Chris my Brother,
    You are the exception to the rule! By that I mean talking publicly about your problems to your extended family is the first step towards recovery. You can't do it all by yourself thus the old addage "It takes two" yet, you cant take care of anyone until you take care of you.
    I can tell you through my own experiences that love cleanses all wounds no matter how deep. My wife and I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak, divorced once and separated countless times due to our inability to bend without breaking, to give without giving up and so on. Our life now is taking care of each others needs and wants without wondering the "what it'll cost me attitude." Yessir the trust will return and so will affection and all that goes with it. If you get angry, take a walk so you won't have to deal with things you've regretfully said and have to start all over rebuilding your foundation. Like I said Love cleanses all wounds no matter how deep, so If you truly love each other it will work! Communication is a big key to your recovery, after that it's all downhill! All my best Brother...
     
  17. BamaCats

    BamaCats New Member

    Messages:
    337
    State:
    Alabama
    Chris, brother i am sorry to hear what you are going through but brother let me tell you a story. When i was married the first time everyone kept telling me that my wife was being unfathiful to me but wouldnt listen and didnt want to hear it until the one day i came home and caught her in our bed, well all i could do was just walk back out the door adn get in my truck and go to my moms house adn sit and cry. She told me that i had two choices in whati could do, i could work things out or i could just pack up adn leave but i had a little girl with her so i went back over ther adn we talked it over and we stayed together for about a year adn a half but i just couldnt get it out of my mind what she had done to me. So i finally divorced her, i guess what i am trying to say brother is if you adn your wife stay together you adn her need to sit down and pray to God above to come in your hearts and help you work this out. Cause if you dont get some kind of counseling for this and both of you have to start on a clean slate and she can never have any kind of contact with this guy again or it will just cause all kind of conflict all over agin trust me i know from experince casue the guy my ex wife messed with was a familoy member adn he doesnt even come to family reunions any more because the family want allow it. if you ever need to talk man just give me a PM man i am here i am gonna be on vacation the month of Jan but i will be back in Feb, get in touch with me then.
     
  18. teaysvalleyguy

    teaysvalleyguy New Member

    Messages:
    9,751
    State:
    GC, OHIO
    Hey brother, I see ya went and posted it. I appreciated the call that you gave me about a month ago to talk about this. Now this is a big step in the positive for you to get it out in the open. We are here to support you and any choice that you make. We are not just friends over the www but we are brothers, family.

    The main thing that concerns me here is the fact that she refuses conseling. If she loves you and wants to be with you then she would go for it. Local churches will offer it for free almost 100% of the time. I know you love her in the fact that you took her back. Counseling will open up someone more and let them see that an impatial party is saying what is wrong. Not sure if she trys to blame it on you or says you are just trying to fight when you bring it up??

    If you can not forget about the situation or put it behind you then that will always hinder your marriage. Every time you feel doubt that will be the first thing you think about. You may take 2 steps forward but anything can take you 10 steps back. The other man will thoughts will stay in your head and that will be all you think about.

    Dodge I pray for ya brother and hope all works out for the best. Not sure what that is right now, I know you have 2 boys and another on the way and hopefully you will remain with your wife and one big happy family. But, do not stay married because of the boys, that is not always best. Take care brother and you have my number if you ever need to talk. God Bless ya Dodge.
     
  19. Kittycatcher

    Kittycatcher New Member

    Messages:
    260
    State:
    Clarksville, Te
    Chris, I have to say that you have all ready forgiven her, just by talking to others about this matter. And I can see that you love her more than life. So she must be worth everything that you are going through, to keep her. This is just a throught, remind her of all the good times that you have had in the pass. Then tell her that you will do your best to meet her needs through out the rest of your life together. Brother we are not quarinty each day, so we can only work on the day that we are living, make desision that are good for both of you. Be patient with her, and try to understand that in her heart that she feels like that she has let you down. Reassure her that she is the love of you life. And Pray alot for Gods help in this matter. Brother, I love with all of my heart, and you and your family will all ways be in my prayers. :rolleyes:
     
  20. Bayoubear

    Bayoubear New Member

    Messages:
    425
    State:
    near that hellhole dallas
    been in similar situation minus the children involved.

    i was an OTR trucker and came home a few days early off of a run. i miss my best friend more than her.

    i tried counselling, self help books, did everything i could to repair the damage she caused but the harder i tried the more it became evident she was not someone i wanted to be a permanent fixture in my life. some people have the ability to rebuild trust- if thats true in your case then good luck. in mine? lie to me once and its over. i refuse to live my life being suspicious of anyone close to me.