Stuff I find on the web

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by FS Driver, Oct 10, 2006.

  1. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    Think about this...
    PONDERISMS
    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
    die of
    natural causes.
    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
    removing a
    weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
    ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
    replacement.
    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
    dying of
    nothing.
    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
    talks about
    seeing UFOs like they used to?
    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
    to
    criticism.
    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
    is weird
    and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
    whole box
    to start a campfire?
    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
    squeeze these
    dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
    at you,
    but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? Then, again,
    maybe
    yours is the one I stole!
     
  2. MattShannon

    MattShannon New Member

    Messages:
    829
    State:
    WV
    good one----------------
     

  3. laidbck111

    laidbck111 New Member

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
    whole box
    to start a campfire?




    Been there done that and still froze all night, lol
     
  4. ryang

    ryang Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,338
    State:
    Blacklick, Ohio
    Name:
    Gary
    Words to to live by LOL
     
  5. BIG GEORGE

    BIG GEORGE New Member

    Messages:
    10,362
    State:
    JOISY
    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
    is weird

    Mescaline was much softer! LOL!

    Good post!
     
  6. Wil

    Wil New Member

    Messages:
    1,746
    State:
    Minden Nebraska
    hahahahaha that was really funny, good post lol
     
  7. splitshot

    splitshot New Member

    Messages:
    2,827
    State:
    Coxsakie,N.Y.
    :crazy: Im still trying to figure out why the glue dosent stick to the inside of the bottle LOL.:big_smile: UMMMMM.
     
  8. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    heres a neat little paint gizmo that i was sent. its i wonder how many colors that they actually use before repeating one ?

    maybe you will be the one to find out?

    just move the mouse and if you left clic it changes color.
    the faster you move the thinner the line.

    http://www.jacksonpollock.org/
     
  9. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
  10. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    Subject: GETTING OLD

    Subject: Getting to be your age! Never!

    Getting Old
    A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair
    well
    groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly
    of
    a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks
    into
    an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly
    looking
    lady, (mid eighties).
    The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
    takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
    often?"

    Getting Old
    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
    of
    years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
    fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
    hear
    100%.
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
    the
    doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
    pleased that you can hear again."
    The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
    just
    sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
    three
    times!"
    Getting Old
    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on
    a
    bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim,
    I'm
    83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
    you're
    about my age. How do you feel?"
    Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like
    a
    new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
    my
    pants.

    Getting Old
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
    after
    eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
    two
    gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
    new
    restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
    highly.
    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
    name
    of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one
    that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
    " Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards
    the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant
    we
    went to last night?




    Getting Old
    Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
    discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
    elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
    suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
    the
    hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
    wheel
    him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
    meeting him.
    "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
    changing out of her hospital gown."
     
  11. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    Taxes

    Don't miss the ending of this...

    The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a
    casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians"
    spending your tax money.

    A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising

    agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective
    in one of its releases.


    A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

    B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

    C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

    D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

    E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the
    rate our government is spending it.

    While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look

    at New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple
    division . .

    Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the
    Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting
    number, what does it mean?

    a. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every
    man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

    b. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your
    home gets $1,329,787.

    c. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

    Washington, DC. ... HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

    This is too true to be very funny!


    TAX

    Tax his land,
    Tax his wage,
    Tax his bed in which he lays.

    Tax his tractor,
    Tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes is the rule.
    Tax his cow,
    Tax his goat,
    Tax his pants,
    Tax his coat.

    Tax his ties,
    Tax his shirts,
    Tax his work,
    Tax his dirt.

    Tax his tobacco,
    Tax his drink,
    Tax him if he tries to think.

    Tax his booze,
    Tax his beers,
    If he cries,
    Tax his tears.

    Tax his bills,
    Tax his gas,
    Tax his notes,
    Tax his cash.

    Tax him good and let him know
    That after taxes, he has no dough.

    If he hollers,
    Tax him more,
    Tax him until he's good and sore.

    Tax his coffin,
    Tax his grave,
    Tax the sod in which he lays.
    Put these words upon his tomb,
    "Taxes drove me to my doom!"

    And when he's gone,
    We won't relax,
    We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
    Accounts Receivable Tax
    Building Permit Tax
    CDL License Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Dog License Tax
    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax
    Fuel Permit Tax
    Gasoline Tax
    Hunting License Tax
    Inheritance Tax
    Inventory Tax
    IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
    IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
    Liquor Tax,
    Luxury Tax,
    Marriage License Tax,
    Medicare Tax,
    Property Tax,
    Real Estate Tax,
    Service charge taxes,
    Social Security Tax,
    Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
    Sales Taxes,
    Recreational Vehicle Tax,
    School Tax,
    State Income Tax,
    State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
    Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
    Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
    Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
    Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
    Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
    Telephone State and Local Tax,
    Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
    Utility Tax,
    Vehicle License Registration Tax ,
    Vehicle Sales Tax,
    Watercraft Registration Tax,
    Well Permit Tax,
    Workers Compensation Tax.


    COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago
    And there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest
    middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
     
  12. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    my friend sent me this email and i thought maybe you all would like to see this if you haven't allready
    its pretty interesting

    last video clip shows the lone survivor ready for a dry change of clothes and a cheeseburger linberger of course :crazy:


    Here´re the details ... that was in 2000 and not "62 years later":
    http://www.englishrussia.com/?p=299
    And here´re some videos, even the tracks were still moving ...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtJkyd3JJWE
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZHVgMzfD38&mode=related&search=
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBK3Zs13p94&mode=related&search=
     
  13. r ward

    r ward New Member

    Messages:
    2,954
    State:
    Kathleen G
    I enjoyed all the above but some of them make you thinkLOL
     
  14. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    Grandpa's Hands

    This is good; I'll never look at my hands the same!

    Grandpa, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was OK.

    He raised his head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong voice.

    "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandpa, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to him.

    "Have you ever looked at your hands," he asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?"

    I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making. Grandpa smiled and related this story:

    "Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

    They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor.

    They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back.

    As a c hild my Mother taught me to fold them in prayer.

    They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.

    They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war.

    They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.

    They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son.

    Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

    They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my Parents and Spouse and walked my Daughter down the aisle.

    Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friend's foot.

    They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

    They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.

    They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw.

    And to this day when not much! of anyt hing else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer

    These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life.

    But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.

    And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ ."

    I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my Grandpa's hands and led him home.

    When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and wife I think of Grandpa. I know he has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
    When you receive this, say a prayer for the person who sent it to you and watch God's answer to prayer work in your life Let's continue praying for one another
    Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both.
    Passing this on to one not considered a friend is something Christ would do.
     
  15. pk_powell

    pk_powell New Member

    Messages:
    3,485
    State:
    Missouri
    DRC! Thats some good ones,thanks for the laugh my brother!:haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  16. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
    Pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

    One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and
    sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing
    the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
    said one boy.

    Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
    As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
    the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
    enough, he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for
    you, one for me."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
    and rode off.

    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
    hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
    what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
    cemetery dividing up the souls."

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
    for me to walk."

    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly
    to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
    for me. One for you, one for me..."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me
    the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
    were still unable to see anything. The old man and the
    boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
    and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
    Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
    all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and
    we'll be done."

    They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
    minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

    Smile, God Loves You!!!
     
  17. Pastor E

    Pastor E New Member

    Messages:
    3,194
    State:
    Beebe AR
    You got some good ones there DRC:lol:
     
  18. gcarlin

    gcarlin New Member

    Messages:
    1,353
    State:
    Richmond ,Indiana
    Way To Go Brother, I Needed A Laugh
     
  19. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    This is a good counter balance story to the Jane Fonda/Vietnam/Woman Of The Year story I have received many times in my e-mail....
    Ann Margret


    Viet Nam 1966

    Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in Viet Nam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

    A few years ago, Ann Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o'clock for the 7:30 signing.

    When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage. Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted.

    Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home. Ann Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn.

    He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

    She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, "This is one of my gentlemen from Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'"

    With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there.

    Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. "That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said.

    That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet. I'll never forget Ann Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband

    I now make it a point to say "Thank you" to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces. Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.

    If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.


    Don't be too busy today...
    Share this inspiring message with friends and family.
    On behalf of those who DO appreciate all that you did for us, thank you to each of you who receive this message who have served or are serving our country in the armed services or any other service.
     
  20. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    here's a couple pictures accompanied with article


    how did jane fonda get nominated for woman of the year?:sad2:
     

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