Road trip to Iowa

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by cheapNdisgusting, Apr 24, 2009.

  1. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    We are planning a trip to Iowa. You are probably thinking - why would anybody plan a trip to Iowa? Well, the wife says it's time to visit her in-laws. Key words here are "WIFE SAYS".

    I have been there before and always felt like an outsider so this time I want to be prepared and have a few questions about "fitting in".

    Do I have to drive a truck or is a car acceptable? Is it neccessary for one headlight to not work?
    Do I have to grow a mullet to fit in?
    Is camoflage clothing required during the day? How about at night?
    Is it neccessary to wear mismatched shoes or work boots?
    Must I bring my own toilet paper?
    Is there anything to eat except corn and pork?
    Do I have to carry a can of "Skoal" in my back pocket?
    I have many more questions but right now I am a little overwhelmed and it is time for my medication.
     
  2. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Russell, from the land of tall corn and wide women. Lad, rethink what you are about to do. Perhaps I could give ya the name of a good counselor. Divorce is simpler than coming to Iowa.

    Pickup trucks are mandatory. They can't be foreign made. They can't be Chevy's. Ford or Dodge will get you across the border without a strip search. I don't care how many headlights you got, just make sure there is a dog in the rear with a complete empty 30 pack of cans. If those empty's are shaken and there is spit left in the can you are not a true Iowan.

    Mullets are not necessary. In fact the closer your hair is cut the better. Makes ya look like you are tough and it indicates you have money to keep your hair short. Baldness is not allowed however.

    Camouflage clothes can be tricky. During hunting season of any kind or any kind of fishing season it is best to wear them, including the cap. Make sure they are not new and have at least one good sized blood stain somewhere on them. DO NOT wear camouflage on any off season. The DNR starts to tail you and puts GPS locators on your truck frame because they know you are poaching.

    Work boots, Wellingtons, Cowboy boots, chore boots if the weather is right are acceptable. They can never be new, can never be clean and must have an appropriate manure essence to them. Hogs, cattle, horses, sheep, whatever. Make sure you stop at the first farm after crossing the state line and give the first farmer you see 10 bucks to walk through his hog lot.

    Toilet paper does not esist in this state. Remember we have enough corncobs here to have every 6 billion Chinese use them if they get the trots. So you won't have any problem. Sometimes you can find some good sized plantain or any other large leaved weed to use.

    Unfortunately corn and pork is the only edible thing. Remember the size of the women here Russell. Man they live on that stuff. Junk like Okra, Grits and Watermelon are banned. If they catch you with that stuff the fine is high.

    Skoal must be placed in a shirt pocket always. Guess that leaves out BOC T-shirts cause they are too cheap to put pockets on them.

    Ask me anything Russell. I haven't moved yet. Truck won't start.
     

  3. bootshowl

    bootshowl New Member

    Messages:
    2,288
    State:
    Indiana, J
    Good luck Russel. Said a lil prayer fer ya. Had a bud tell me it was acceptable to have either a Louisville slugger or a shotgun in the window gun rack....and a baseball glove on the floorboard will keep the dope sniffing dogs in the cruiser. Ya might have ta "catch" for the officer awhile, as he wanted to be a pitcher, not a cop.
    :smile2:
     
  4. Iowa_Josh

    Iowa_Josh New Member

    Messages:
    1,463
    State:
    Central Iowa
    No, you don't have to act like you do at home. It might be a little unsettling when the roads are straighter than you're used to.
     
  5. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Sounds to me like you know them (or of them).

    OK, I've the "local rules and regulations" figured out. Now I gotta figure out how to deal with the inlaws. This scares me. They scare me. Her mom, Pearl, is a really good person. Orvil, her stepdad and his kid Urp scare me. Pearl had to put up the Kenworth as collateral on bail for Urp after that incident in Wall-mart.

    This is where you probably heared about them. They were the first family to be banned from EVERY Wall-mart, nation wide. It was in all the papers or paper in Iowa.

    None of it would have happened if Wall-mart never ran that ad for 1/2 off on Depends. Pearl insists on potty training Urp. I would have given up on him when he turned 5, and now he is 21. Pearl ain't a quitter!

    Well, I gotta get started on that 30 pack.
     
  6. catfish kenny

    catfish kenny New Member

    Messages:
    6,064
    State:
    Iowa
    Hey where in Iowa are ya giong? see bald aint ceptible in the north where B-man is but southern Ioway where I am its fine and if yer heading the DesMion area ya need to talk to ole Flathead Steve or one them bridge brothers there sure to get ya into something weather ya want it or not(LOL)....not all Iowans are bad folk though prolley just inlaws:roll_eyes:Ya comming my way well we will get ya a pass ans bypass the inlaws go wet our whistle and a line:smile2:
     
  7. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    I'm gonna be in Davenport. I'm not saying anything bad about real Iowigits. Orvil ain't from there and Pearl is. Pearl is a good woman. Orvil and Urp are from some hippy commune (however it is spelled) back east. Jersy I think. Not sure who Urp's mom is because Orvil isn't either.

    Him and Urp got thrown out when he was 4. Showed up in Iowa at a truck stop. That's where he met Pearl. Smooth talkin easterner and the rest is history. There is no doubt that Orvil IS Urp's daddy. They both got that one crazy eye. Not cross-eyed, crazy eyed. the left one rotates counter clock wise when they get excited. And they both have thier mullets on backward. The apple don't fall far from the tree, and cow patties don't fall far from -- where they come from.

    I'm beginning to think that a 30 pack isn't enough.
     
  8. catfish kenny

    catfish kenny New Member

    Messages:
    6,064
    State:
    Iowa
    the further north the crazier just ask B-man (LOL)you get board shoot due south and let me know yer commin we will wet a line:wink:
     
  9. Gordhawk

    Gordhawk New Member

    Messages:
    1,378
    State:
    Iowa
    I assume you intended for this to be a joke,because I sure can't think that a goat roper like you would be making fun of anyone that lives in Iowa.
     
  10. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Somebody does that? In Missouri we just shoot em. They are running loose - no ropes. Wouldn't be fair if the goat was tied up. Urp is more likely to rope one and tie it up.
     
  11. Mac-b

    Mac-b Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    19,554
    State:
    North Caro
    Russell, here are some stats for Iowa and they are overwhelming to say the least. In 1995, the last year a count was made because nobody really cared, depicted that there was 24.1 million hogs in Iowa. The hogs generate 3.1 billion dollars (US) in income locally. Also, there are seven hogs for every resident in the state. These four legged creatures consume 266.3 million bushels of corn per year and I guess that is why they grow the stuff.

    With that many hogs there has to be a lot of hog chit, but try as I might, I could not find a reliable source for the tonnage of the stuff or how they dispose of it. It is rumored that the reason they want visitors from out of state to drive pickups is so that they can haul the poop off.
     
  12. BIG GEORGE

    BIG GEORGE New Member

    Messages:
    10,362
    State:
    JOISY
    All this talk of Urp and goats. What is his outlook on sheep.:wink:
     
  13. catfish kenny

    catfish kenny New Member

    Messages:
    6,064
    State:
    Iowa
    Baaa-aahh-ahhhh:smile2:
     
  14. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Earlier in this thread I mentioned that Urp was probably born in Jersey, and has a backward mullet. I think we are getting into the apple and tree thing here since you are so interested in his outlook on sheep. This is part of the "problem" at Wall-mart.

    Urp was from that hippie commune in Jersey. When he got to Iowa, Pearl tried to wean him off of mushrooms. Thats all he wanted to eat and when he did, the left eye would start to rotate and he would head off to the pasture where the sheep were. It got so bad that Pearl had to put up an electric fence around the pasture just to protect the sheep. Worked good for a couple months and the sheep were happy again. Spring came around, the mushrooms started to pop up, and Urp got to where he LIKED the shock from the fence. In his addled mind he put together mushrooms - electric shock - and sheep = good times.

    This is where Wall-mart comes in. They took him to Wall-mart for that "Depends" 1/2 off sale. Everything was going OK until (and here I have to say that it wasn't entirely Urp's fault because he probably never saw a midget with a straw hat before) Urp saw that midget and let out a scream SHROOM SHROOM SHROOM and tackled the poor little guy and commenced to eating on his stray hat. Pearl and Orvil almost had it under control when the Sherriff showed up and tasered him. His left eye was going about 75 RPM, spit was flying, Urp was flying, and that poor lady in the white dress was running for her life. Bet she won't wear that dress again in Wall-mart.

    It took the Sheriff, 4 deputies, 6 guys from the Fish and wildlife dept., and a lady from PETA to get things under control.
     
  15. centexcop

    centexcop Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,039
    State:
    Texas
    I knew there was a good reason that I'm in Texas.....:eek:oooh:
     
  16. catman-j

    catman-j New Member

    Messages:
    1,020
    State:
    Eastern Nebr
    If you want to fit in drive 5 mph slower than everyone and flip them off if they pass you. Always leave your left turn signal on so nobody will know exactly what you're going to do next. Hang some plastic male genitals from your trailer hitch to make up for any insecurities. I would highly recommend that you fill the back of your truck with empty beer cans so they blow out while you are driving down the road. Use exsessive profanities around ladies and small children. It is not acceptable behavior in Iowa to wash your hands between going poop and eating dinner. I've heard it's that way in Arkansas too.
     
  17. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    There ya go Russell. Jefferooony has got us pegged. See I told ya to stay home. Texas has chimed in, the Cornhusker state has chimed in, Arkansas is now on the SL. Head for New Jersey Russell. Take your guns and knives and protect your groin.

    The Carolinas are probably out to, those people speak the same dialect as Alabamians. You are to old to go back to school to learn a foreign language.
     
  18. willcat

    willcat New Member

    Messages:
    2,463
    State:
    texas
    Russell if you had in-laws in texas they would show you how they drink more than you, eat more than you, and not sleep at all on the weekend as it will get in the way of those three things & they aint having that, or it could get violent...most times that is the highlight of the weekend, then they bitch about not having enuff to do it 2 weeks in a row cuz they spent it on bail money, and the best part is the bail bonds man was either there & will be there the next time cuz he's a relative!!!!!!!!!!!!! in short you would have the time of your life and want to visit them again, so find someone from Texas, that is the way to go, later
     
  19. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,929
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    You're trying to get me killed. Got an ex-wife in Mo., Indiana, and Illinois. Present wife is from Iowa. I'm tooooo old for this crap.
     
  20. catfish kenny

    catfish kenny New Member

    Messages:
    6,064
    State:
    Iowa
    HMMMM ya'd think after round 1 ya'd learned yer lesson:eek:oooh:(LOL) but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (LOL)