Lines I like to use (got ..............

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by postbeetle, Nov 5, 2009.

  1. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Lines I like to use (got nothin' to do with fishing so 99% of you can go on)

    There is another current thread cooking here about things that "honk" ya off. Amongst them is the irritating thing about solicitors calling. You know those phones calls at 9:00 PM at night when you have just snoozed off in your easy chair, from God knows what part of the world from someone who can't speak spoken English. At one time I thought it was illegal to do this. Doesn't seem to stop them.

    I rarely use my house phone any longer. In fact if we weren't so far out in the boonies I wouldn't have one at all. The only reason I got it is to have High Speed to run this machine I am using. But lately the aggravating phone calls have increased. I got rid of caller ID and I just can't go by the phone when it rings without answering it, and I get burned about every time. Short of ripping the phone off the wall or throwing the receiver out the window I have calmly devised a "get back at ya" set of lines I use. Some of them are..............

    Hello Sir, could I speak to the Office Manager please................

    "Uh, not right now. Ya see I knocked her up and she's getting an abortion just now".......Click from them..

    Hello Sir, are you the homeowner?.....................

    "Nah. I am robbing this place and I just can't go by a phone that's ringing. The homeowners tied up right now." Heheh..........click from them.

    Good evening Sir, may I speak to the lady of the house............

    "Which one, I'm Mormon and there are half a dozen running around here naked".........click from them.

    How do you do, could I please speak to John please.......

    Uh, well, about fours days ago ya could, just before he died. We have just come back from the funeral.............click from them.

    Hello Sir are you the owner..............

    "Uh, I used to be but the IRS just left with all my records and I am not sure I own the place anymore".............click from them.

    Good afternoon Mr Beranek could I have a moment of your time?.............

    "Time is precious at the moment Lady, the cops just pulled in and I gotta hide the dope".............click from them.

    Got a bunch of other ones but those are not clean and I can't sanitize them enough for this thread.

    You guys give me some more to add to my little black book.
     
  2. ryang

    ryang Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,289
    State:
    Blacklick, Ohio
    Name:
    Gary
    PB those are great can you PM me the unclean ones LOL. I usually just say no and they keep going and I say no then no and no and Im not interested LOL then I just hang up on them. What is really fun is letting them think you are interested and then just say no after a couple of minutes LOL they love that.
     

  3. smokey

    smokey New Member

    Messages:
    1,876
    State:
    Tennessee
    "Hello, This is capt Dunlap of the Tennessee highway patrol,and this is a crime scene. Iam going have to have your name and home phone, as well as your supervisors"I have never tried it but saw it on the tube lastnight. Looked to me like it would be fun anyway.
    smokey
     
  4. Motopro00

    Motopro00 New Member

    Messages:
    554
    State:
    Festus, Missouri
  5. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Been there, done that Mike. Used to own a coupla businesses. Apparently that allows about everyone and their dog to still try and call. Beginning to like it actually. Allows me to fire off some frustration.

    I realize people got to make a living, but I think I'd rather clean Pelosi's toilet every day than to bother folk at home selling crap.
     
  6. Motopro00

    Motopro00 New Member

    Messages:
    554
    State:
    Festus, Missouri
    I got ya. We got a good one going here. The person who had the phone number before us didn't pay there bills. They call everyday asking for them. I tell them over and over we have there old number and they keep calling. You would think they could figure it out at some point? :confused2:
     
  7. GrandpaGoneFishing

    GrandpaGoneFishing New Member

    Messages:
    1,569
    State:
    Linn Valley, Ks
    When a security company calls: I don't need and security system. I got 2 pit bulls and a red headed wife, and I wouldn't worry about the pit bulls.

    when the blind call about selling light bulbs: I don't use em I'm blind.

    I get a kick out of it when a telemarketer calls and I tell em "I'm not here right now. and they thank me and tell me they will try again later.

    I had a guy awhile back wanting to sharpen my knives for a price. I told him sure if he can improve there sharpness. I grabbed up my Pocket knife and we walked out to his truck. He went on and on how good he was so I took my knife and shaved off a chunk of my beard. Can you believe He threw his sharpener at me. I have it to this day. ​
     
  8. 223reload

    223reload New Member

    Messages:
    10,798
    State:
    Oklahoma
    I just stop them and say,If I called you at home ,and you were in the middle of doing something important to you,Would you get pissed off? They say ,well yes,I Say NUFF SAID.:wink:


    Another I do when I get them on my cell phone while driving my mixer is,Dam,I'm having the greatest sex of my life and I have to stop for THIS?????:cool2:​
     
  9. Snagged2

    Snagged2 New Member

    Messages:
    6,252
    State:
    Verde Valley AZ
    Yes, absolutely,,, I'm very interested in this, However, I'm busy at the moment,, Let me have your home phone # and cell#, and, I'll get right back with you!!!
     
  10. ryang

    ryang Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,289
    State:
    Blacklick, Ohio
    Name:
    Gary
    I really hate it when Im driving to work with my cup of coffee in my lap and my electric razor in my other hand Im trying to drive with my knee and these people will not look where they are going Im like come on peeps cant you see Im trying to get to work :eek:oooh::tounge_out::smile2:
     
  11. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,511
    State:
    Zalma Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    We are on the "No call list" but still get a few. The redhead goes ballistic but I usually mess with them somehow. My favorite is "hold on, I'll get him" and lay the phone down.
     
  12. Wabash River Bear

    Wabash River Bear New Member

    Messages:
    3,019
    State:
    Indiana
    PB, check out Tom Mabe's "Revenge of the telemarketer" vids on YouTube, they are great. He's a comedian that has regularly appeared on the Bob & Tom Show on radio. Here is one of em.

    [youtubevid]un_PjRXV5l8[/youtubevid]
     
  13. Mickey

    Mickey New Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    14,592
    State:
    Illinois
    I like to inform them that I work a midnight shift and now sleeping. Leave your number and I'll return your call between 11-7 in the AM.:wink:
     
  14. Arkansascatman777

    Arkansascatman777 New Member

    Messages:
    7,782
    State:
    AR
    1.Speak to the little lady of the house
    We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!


    2.Give them the man of the house
    When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.


    3.Have I got a deal for you
    Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.

    I do

    4.Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.

    5.You have reached my voicemail
    Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."


    6.Funny you called
    "You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."


    7.From a country song
    "I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."


    8.Have you planned for the future?
    When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.


    9.Reply in gibberish
    Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.


    10.She's not ... here
    I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.


    11.And you are?
    I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?


    12.Keep talking
    Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!


    13.What did I win?
    Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.


    14.I'm already connected
    If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.


    15.Ever hear of women's lib?
    My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."


    16.Phone flirting
    I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"


    17.How long do you have?
    Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."


    18.What's it worth?
    "Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"


    19.Call the cult
    "Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."

    20.It's good enough for Cuba
    I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."

    I'll throw one more in that I have actually used, everytime they slow down enough that you get to speak, Say in your best retarded voice, my wife won't allow me to have fiends, will you be my fiend, will you be my fiend, will you be my fiend until they hang up :smile2:.
     
  15. Bomberman

    Bomberman New Member

    Messages:
    703
    State:
    Spring Run, PA
    I had one young lady in tears one evening....she called wanting to sell something, as usual, and wanted to know if it would be OK if she recorded the conversation. I asked why she would need to record it and she stated that it was more for the company to make sure she was doing her job correctly. I inquired as to whether that had been a problem in the past and she said "of course not". I then told her my company doesn't record me at work and that if I worked for a company that didn't trust me enough that they had to record my conversations that I would be looking for a new job. I told her that I understand that times are hard but if you let these companies invade your privacy like that they will do most anything. I told her to call me back when she told her manager off and ripped out the recording equipment. She started crying and hung up. She never did call back...I wonder why?
     
  16. BubbaCat

    BubbaCat New Member

    Messages:
    5,868
    State:
    Arizona
    thats the way you do it !:big_smile:
     
  17. Snagged2

    Snagged2 New Member

    Messages:
    6,252
    State:
    Verde Valley AZ
    Have heard of folks, sayin',,,, Hold On,,

    Then going on vacation .......
     
  18. plainsman

    plainsman New Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    7,187
    State:
    minnesota
    I tell em to send it in the mail. Then they call and ask if I got it. I ask lots of questions and try to get their name and address and who they work for then tell em I'm on the do not call list. I also tell em I want their company information and then inform them that I'm on the do not call list and have a policy of not doing business with anyone who employs telemarketers.
     
  19. Bomberman

    Bomberman New Member

    Messages:
    703
    State:
    Spring Run, PA
    I had a call from Verizon a while back and told them I was on the National Do Not Call list and the lady told me that because I was a Verizon customer that they didn't have to abide by that. I then asked if they had a Verizon Do Not Call list and she said yes. I asked to be put on it. I then asked if they had any other Do Not Call lists, like an interplanetary Do Not Call list in case they estabish a colony on the Moon or other planet and that I wanted on it. No one from Verizon has ever called again. :smile2:
     
  20. boswifedeb

    boswifedeb USCA Jailhouse Lawyer

    Messages:
    13,659
    State:
    Tennessee
    Name:
    Debbie
    We're on the do not call list, and it doesn't do much good. A few weeks ago I received a call and decided that things were boring and some fun was in order. Do y'all remember the little Korean woman on Mad TV? Hee hee!! I do a pretty good imitation. It only took about a minute and they were gone. Come to think of it, they haven't called back since!!:smile2: