Iowa or Bust

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by cheapNdisgusting, Jun 12, 2009.

  1. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    I'm getting ready for a trip to Iowa. Right now you are thinking WHY DOES HE WANT TO DO THIS?

    Five reasons.
    #1 My wife says it's time to visit with her relatives and I don't want them to come here.

    #2 I've seen the movie but really want to see a baseball field built in a corn field where imaginary people play with themselves.

    #3 I've seen the movie but really want to see people wearing aluminum foil hats to keep the Aliens from reading thier thoughts. (like Iowidgits have thoughts that anything would care about)

    #4 To see if the cafe called "EAT" in Muscatine Ia. still has hamburger Helper on the menu. I swear to God it did.

    #5 I've seen the pictures and read some of his work (that wasn't on a toilet wall) and want to see if there is really a supposedly inteligent person
    named "Postbeetle" or "Beetlejuice" or whatever alias he is using now.

    Catfishin50 tried to do some of these things and FAILED!!!!

    I WILL NOT FAIL!

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Phil Washburn

    Phil Washburn New Member

    Messages:
    7,680
    State:
    Shawnee OK
    Russell, i believe you can do it...the only advice i have would be to have a body guard when you go see the beetle:wink:
     

  3. bootshowl

    bootshowl New Member

    Messages:
    2,288
    State:
    Indiana, J
    Russel I'd take lots of beer. Lord knows what passes for beer out there. Also I believe duct tape & WD40 are 'trade goods" there. God's speed my friend.
    Hope you catch John in his apron, and nothing else.....for some reason that's how I picture him baking. Ever hear of the hair in the biscut?
    Bon Apoteet....
    :smile2:
     
  4. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Get out the colored toilet paper Mama we got's company coming.

    Throw away that Sears catalog and put up a new fly strip in the outhouse. We got's company coming.

    Kill a coupla chickens and put 'em on ice. We got's company comin'.

    Clean out the farrowing house and put new shavings down. We got's company a comin'.

    Put up direction signs in the cornfield. We got's company comin'.

    Lock the valuables up. We got's company comin' AND THEY ARE FROM MISSOURA! Buy some fresh shells, Have the preacher pray for us, call the lawyer and find a book on etiquette on how to treat people from MISSOURA!

    I am a Science Fiction nut, have always been so and continue to be so. Destiny as my brother might say. I am aware of many types of aliens and alien worlds from my book larnin'. I am sure I can handle this intrusion into our space in this oh so lovely state. Catfish Kenny lives so close to MISSOURA he has warned me about these folks. They live in caves or rustic log cabins with crooked antennas coming out the roof. They eat their meals raw in an uncooked state. They don't even clunk their catfish with a thumpstick before they skin them. Heathens and animal oppressors I have been told. They use two sticks rubbed together to make fire for their smoke signals to send to their in-laws in the next hollow.

    Iowa or Bust 'eh Russell. Ya'all come on up and we'll tame you and make you human. I'll teach you how to cook naked in only an apron. BG was so looking forward to that, don't know really why he didn't come.

    And oh Boots, yes we have beer. We have hard liker too. We got enough corn to make all the hard liker those folks over in Washington D.C. can drink.

    Will get back to you Mr Russell. Which wife ya gonna bring?
     
  5. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Phil; Thanks for the advice on the bodyguard - but i'm comming with my present wife and nobody will get within spitting distance of her.

    Boots, you are starting to scare me with the "nude in an apron" thing. Are you sure you are not dreaming about your mother-inlaw?

    Beetlejuice; I'm comming with Patsy (#4 and current wife). She just got her license back and borrowed a battery for the Peterbuilt. She's ready and tells me that I'm ready. She got really excited when I told her that you got some NEW toilet paper. However, you don't need to clean out the farrowing house cause she ain't PG. (altho a lot of people make that assumption).

    Now, a question about etiquette while in Iowa. Do I need to bring my store bought teeth?
     
  6. tyrupp

    tyrupp New Member

    Messages:
    306
    State:
    Ellis,Kans
    It's ok if you bring store bought teeth just as long as you don't bring store bought tit's. It's a one or the other type of state!!!!
     
  7. CountryHart

    CountryHart New Member

    Messages:
    10,914
    State:
    missouri
    Funniest chit i read in a while. Make this known to all, i ain't from Missouri, by gawd i moved heah from Arknsaw.:eek:oooh:
     
  8. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Zalmaflashed, got no teeth?

    Not to worry, we just go to Aldi and buy cheap Pablum. You like that dry just out the box or we can liquefy it for you?

    It ain't so much your teeth I's worried about Russell. When BG was gonna come and I blew him off because of personal stuff hitting the fan here we had a whole week planned. We were going to the opera and have dinner in a 4-star local restaurant. I think is was called Sadies Hot House and Dinner With the Girls.

    BG was looking forward to that. BG is very cosmopolitan you realize. Those Joisey folks when they put away their switchblades and 38's can be rather charming. I don't know whether BG speaks Italian or not. Got to show him we are sophisticated out here.

    You however are a different story Mr Russell. Have thought about what to do with you while you are here a couple of hours. Poaching is kinda out. The deer are not in good shape because they have fawned and are a little stressed. Besides I am saving my ammunition for the Revolution.

    I am out of dynamite so fishing those good holes I know about will have to wait. I like to fish Russell but I don't like to wait. That dynamite does the trick quickly.

    Will have to come up with something else you Missoura boys like to do. If you have had 4 wives I got a pretty good idea what you like to do. Russell none of my business my good man but are all 3 of those other wives still kicking? Insurance comes to mind somehow.

    Will be back at ya I got to look Arkansasss up on the map.

    Later, John.

    P.S. Hey "Tie-Er-Up" I liked that.
     
  9. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    I don't have four wives. I have 1 current wife and 3 EXwives. About that now, would any of you live with and stay married to a person that drank, was bitchy, hid money, and cheated with the nieghbors? Neither would they. Sooo 4

    Beetlejuice; You said "Russell, you got no teeth? Yea I got teeth. a couple hundred dollars worth. I don't have a Dentist but if I did, he could open a drive-thru.
     
  10. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Now, most of you out there are aware that Iowa exists and . Well, you are all caught up now.

    I lived there for a while back in the 80's.

    I was serious about that cafe that only had a sign that said "EAT" and served HamburgerHelper. Me and a bunch of other construcrion workers had a burger and side order of Hamburger helper Chili Mac.

    In Davenport the best place to get a steak was called "The Dock" and overlooked the Mississippi. ?????? In Missouri it's not a guessing game about what is served in, on, beside, or with-in sight of the Mississippi.
    Well, in Mo. it would probably be Carp anyhow. The Mississippi is not one of our tourist attractions.

    More later, it's time for my medication.
     
  11. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    Iowa is not a complicated place. A little confusing - but not complicated. I think that is the problem. They plant corn, It rains, the corn grows, and they feed it to the pigs. Over and over, year after year, nothing exciting. This is the homeland of my current in-laws. At least they are entertaining in a laid back kind of way. They watch corn grow.

    My relations in Missouri are a lot more "colorful". They do more crazy crap in one day than the whole state of Iowa does in a year. True story: I had a cousin/brother-inlaw that worked at two jobs. In the fall and winter - he cut wood. In the spring and summer he was a "flagman" for a crop duster. Bob's job was to wear a long sleeved white shirt, white hat, and carry a 20' cane pole with a large white flag on it. In reality he was the first GPS. They would get him out into a cotton field and he was the target for the cropduster. When the plane made a pass over him he would run over about 20 rows and wave the flag again and the plane would zero in on him. He was colorful (a chalky white but colorful). On insect spray days he always came home in a good mood. On Paraquat days he was a little more laid back. I think he retired to Iowa and filled out his days watching corn grow.

    Yawn, I can hardly wait to get to Ia. I need the rest.
     
  12. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Watching corn grow sure beats watching paint dry Russell. Money in the bank, stover in the mow, cornmeal for you Southern folk, ethanol for those little dinky puky cars Obamas gonna shove down our throats. Food for hogs thank God.

    Ya ever hear corn grow Russell? If ya get the right kind of quiet hot night after an afternoon thundershower and you can keep everybodies yap shut and just sit quietly like you were on a riverbank waiting for a soft shell turtle to steal your bait you can hear corn grow. It squeeks like a mouse in the grainery. Ah music to an Iowans ear. True Iowans that is.

    Russell if you get a chance hop over to the Ramblings thread. I don't think you peruse that one. I asked an interesting question as pertains to your visit to my abode on how to entertain Southern Gentlemen. I hope you fall into that class Russell. Not mint juleps and such. (those are the Democrats down south) Just a laid-back half wild partially rednecked Missoura Southern Gentleman. Mr Mac and Pythonjohn gave me some very good and I mean very good ways to entertain someone from the South. I think I could do the things they suggested Russell. All except for the Okra. Judas, Michael and Annie's Fake Butt I can't stand Okra Russell. I don't think I could get the hogs to eat Okra Russell unless it had a lot of ketchup on it.

    Take a look at those Zalma if you can run the computer.
     
  13. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Food for the Contemporary Missoura man.

    Russell, I see in another thread some folks gave me helpful advice on how to entertain you while you visit from Missoura.

    You off course chimed in about your preferences.

    Let me tell ya Missoura man, you are coming to a sophisticated state. We aims to please. I figure if you are here in the morning we would have a light brunch under the veranda. I think a light cheese quiche would be exemplary. A glass of iced Perrier water with a mixed fruit salad.

    If it is the afternoon a little before dinner snack would be appropriate. I envision a little heavier salad here. Probably artichoke with some mixed greens. Spinach more than likely. Unless you really like collards and mustard greens. That is the closest thing to Okra I am gonna feed you. Both artichokes and Okra are spiny and slimy so just close your eyes and pretend. I think a nice chilled red wine would be appropriate also. You only get one glass though.

    And Oh Russell. You are going to be in a nice neighborhood. There isn't a hog finishing house for miles around. So please wash your 1988 Ford Pickup Russell. My neighbors might complain if you bring up some Missoura mud.

    John.
     
  14. Mac-b

    Mac-b Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    19,521
    State:
    North Caro
    What has happened to good old Iowa? Not long ago, it was the most puritanical of states-solid, dependable and a bit stuffy. The state owned all liquor stores, outlawed gambling and waged war on vice by raiding bingo games at church picnics.
    "It was a moral place, perhaps excessively so," columnist Donald Kaul wrote recently in The Des Moines Register. "You could hardly do anything without breaking a law, or at least badly bending one. Recreational sex? Hell, we didn't even have volleyball. But we didn't complain. We were happy to be setting an example for lesser states."

    Russell, after reading the above, methinks you might feel out of place in Awoi. I could be wrong, have been several times, but you are heading for virgin parts, for sure.
     
  15. cheapNdisgusting

    cheapNdisgusting Well-Known Member Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Messages:
    17,886
    State:
    Yonder in Mo.
    Name:
    Russ
    The thing that scares me most about this trip is that I have to smuggle my wife INTO Iowa. If the Iowa Border Patrol/John Deere dealer saw me coming in with her they would think "Oh crap he's trying to bring her back" and I'm really not - She may be from Ia. but she's a keeper.

    LNB Aparently you understand BLAND. That is exactly the way it was.
     
  16. FLATHEAD STEVE

    FLATHEAD STEVE New Member

    Messages:
    1,772
    State:
    DESMOINES IOWA
    Look at it this way.........You might actually catch a decent fish!!!!:big_smile: