this is copied from the old site but I thought it would be funny to repost here....
HOW TO HOOK A BA$$
First off, ba$$ are Bait.
Bass tournaments are fun in that they give you a chance to see some of the best catfish bait out there firsthand and to laugh at the folks that think that hooking that bait is as good as they are gonna get. Bait tournaments.... hahahhaaaaa
Now on to serious business:
To hook a bass fisherman properly you need a few things... and an 8/0 hook is just the beginning:
1) You need a spray that smells like Bill Dance's fishing seat. (If you cant find Dance-butt-aerosol, you can also dip a stick in your septic tank, swirl it around a bit, and then set it out to rot a bit more. That will getcha close) If ba$$ fishermen are excited by anyything, its the chance to kiss Bill Dance's a$$. That spray is like crack for them.... bill dance butt crack.
OH wait... you said to hook a bass.... dang.... well here's what you need:
1) You need a 14 thousand dollar boat with an 8 thousand dollar motor and a 10 thousand dollar paint job hidden behind a crapload of 50 cent stickers... to look like you're better'n anyone else and can afford to f**k up your expensive 19-layer-gel-coat paint job. Personally I peel the stickers off my chiquita bananas and use those. I get a lot of em for 39 cents a pound and eating the bananas impacts me just enough to fill me full of $hit so I can keep up with the ba$$ fishermen in conversation. Its a double-win. Also, a good bass boat should have a draft of less than 4 inches and be rendered useless if a 2 foot wave comes at it.
2) You have to have a vest with a LOT of patches on it. The patches can say whatever they want... so long as they make you seem like someone paid you to be out there. I typically cut out the design on old t-shirts and make em look like patches, or yank names off of used mechanics shirts that I bought at goodwill. As of right now my so-called-sponsors are the "Izod allegator", "vote or die" "Pelle Pelle", "Hank", "Jimbo", 3 "Bills", a "John", a "Jon", a "Red", and a "Dave".
3) Another necessary requirement of the pro-bass-turd fisherman is the right kind of truck to send that message that says "hey... I am WAY Better than you will ever be." Mine is a 79 S-15. It is painted "rust" and the paint job looks so good that folks think I parked it outside for 27 years in michigan weather. Half of the bed is missing (the edges are painted and textured with that "rust effect" too and the other half is held on with a come-along for added effect.) The boat hitch is attached with duct tape, and the trailer lights are painted on. I have one of those advance style mufflers too. It sits on my livingroom coffee table and acts as an ashtray. Ill tell ya... taking the muffler off and ordering this one was the best thing I could ever do for sound effects. Those folks at flowmaster really know their stuff. The one on my coffee table looks so pretty and when I get my good hacking tobacco cough into it, it sounds deeper. must be the glass pack. Either that or lung chunks.
4) You need proper bait. 5 tackle boxes full of plastic worms of every concievable color (including clear), one full of hooks, and one with a small array of crap you will never use, but put on the line when folks are fishing too close to you so they dont know that you're just using plastic worms. You also need a 1.5 oz spoon to cast at wave runner buttheads that get too close.
5) Good fishing rods are a must. You have to have... must have... absolutely gotta have a good 200 plus dollar fishing rod. That one sits in your house in the corner so your friends envy you. The rod that you actually fish with may also be called a car antenna. Junk yards have a ton of em.
7)1,978 quart cooler- just for beer... and a handy 15 quart cooler in case you need to carry some beer onshore while you find a good shrub to poop behind.
8) You need more than one Fishing license. If you rummage through enough trash in enough states, eventually you will have a license from all of them. Sure your name in wisconsin may be "Brett Favre" but nobody's ever heard of that name and most DNR guys cant pronounce it right anyhow so they wont even try. The more licenses you have the more folks will think you have fished other waters. When combined with the truck, its an attractivve and convincing thing to those out of the loop.
This ought to get you started.