Chivalry is dead: RIP

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by postbeetle, Feb 4, 2008.

  1. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    Gotta get this off my operculum before I have a bad dream. A modest few of you know, most of you don't, and probably all of you don't give a rat's rear end about what I am going to tell you. I have managed to acquire the rank of "Knight". I did this because of my small stature. I was able to crawl under the door without being noticed. Some have begun to roast me a little. Like putting an Asian carp in a 50 gallon barrel and throwing it in a bed of coals. So I will make it public and take my pounding. You won't get another chance because I am going to become invisible.

    I arrived at the Quartermaster shack to pick up my armor. Meeting me was that E-7 gunney Dademoss. He had rolled a two wheeled cart up front loaded with some rusty stuff.

    "Beetlejuice" we all had bets you would be long gone. You disappointed us. We have decided to give you all used stuff from prominent members who have proceeded you, adjust it and make it fit. (Just like the real military) We know you won't be here past post 2000. That "super delete" key is activated and you will be but a past memory like bilge in the boat of a boat. Wear this stuff with pride or get negative reps. We aren't going to give you the good stuff that just came in on the boat from China."

    I loaded the stuff in my electric 1/2 ton and headed for my cave in Iowa. Sorting the parts out I realized I was going to have to go up to technical and find a good sheet metal man to rework all this tin can stuff.

    My Sabatons (shoes) must have been worn by Splitshot. They were tiny and I have feet like a duck. They were going to be useful though. I wouldn't get my feet cut on broken beer bottles on some sandbar on the Ohio River.

    My Greaves (Shinguards) must have belonged to Kat in the Hat. They were all dented from Sheila beating him with a broom because he hadn't fix the plumbing.

    My Poleyn (kneecaps) were all scratched up. Probably from Jtrew on his knees trying to start a campfire with two sticks.

    My Leather gauntlets were muddy and caked with dirt. Probably Phil Washburns from continually throwing them down as a challenge to somebody.

    My Chain gauntlets had two fingers missing on the right hand by Spoonfish trying to clean frogs.

    My Codpiece was huge. Must have belonged to Big George. I had to melt it and reform it to the size of Bradys cup after he got mauled by the Giants yesterday.

    The breastplate must have belonged to Catgirl. It took a twenty pound maul to flatten it out.

    The visor must have been Dano's. You couldn't see his face. Just like his avatar.

    The helmet had to belong to "Radar" Cheryl. It had two antennae for picking up things out of the ether.

    My sword had to be reforged. It was so nicked up by PeeWee Williams cutting bait on rocks that is was as dull as the end of my little finger.

    I liked the weaponry though. The mace would make a great thumper for catfish. The knife would make it easier opening beer cans. My jousting pole was 15 ft long. If I put big enough eyes on it and ran hay rope through it I could catch Moby Dick. Gotta find the right reel though. My axe would easily cut through red tape on this forum.

    Gotta go over to Rambling's and pick up a case of WD-40 from the "Tinman from the Wizard of Oz" Those guys are getting ready to catch a tornado and I want to catch them before they takeoff.

    Now to the title of this prose. You know me and my mouth. Every thing is fair game, ain't no chivalry in my blood unless you got the last beer and I want it. Then I am nice, or you got something I can grab.

    I would like to thank Kat In The Hat, The official BOC paparazzi for making up the wonderful avatar he did. I think the highlights and shadows are wonderful. He could have done a little better on my makeup though.

    Postbeetle.
     
  2. JimmyJonny

    JimmyJonny Well-Known Member

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    4,059
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    LOL...good stuff John ; )
     

  3. catfishcrazy256

    catfishcrazy256 New Member

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    2,648
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  4. Reel_Blues

    Reel_Blues New Member

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    Virginia
    Another good read John even though sometimes i get completely lost reading it. It still makes me laugh:smile2:
     
  5. 223reload

    223reload New Member

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    10,798
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    Oklahoma
    Good ,Read my friend,I think 'if the suit fits' by all means wear it. looks good ya.
     
  6. ryang

    ryang Well-Known Member

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    5,329
    State:
    Blacklick, Ohio
    Name:
    Gary
    Great read but I wouldnt say its dead I let my wife open the door, drive, clean up for me all the time :smile2::tounge_out:.

    For the Ladies this is not true Im attempting to be funny :eek:oooh:
     
  7. jeremiad

    jeremiad Well-Known Member

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    2,207
    Name:
    Unspecified
    'Round these here parts, chivalry (if'n that's how it's spelt) ain't dead, no, not at all. We's just too poor to own any.

    See, there are fancy folk that have that chivalry stuff; they set it at their "place settin's" and such. Never did quite understand that...why would anyone need two forks for a meal? Ain't one good enough? Show-offs!

    Anyway, congratulations are in order for that new fancy suit of your'n! :wink:
     
  8. Mac-b

    Mac-b Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    19,535
    State:
    North Caro
    Sir John, give me back the dogs, I don't think that I can stomach you looking like a saint at 2 AM. :nosebleed:
     
  9. SSgt Fishslayer

    SSgt Fishslayer New Member

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    1,241
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    that one was pretty good John. if you need to know how to wear any of that new fangled armor let me know. it cant be any harder to put together than the new body armor we wear.
     
  10. willcat

    willcat New Member

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    2,463
    State:
    texas
    Congrats on ur new "duds" John, I'm sure u'll wear them proud!!!
     
  11. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    SSGT. Joe. I have been told that if a person wants to know what it feels like to take a round with the body armor you wear is to have a man take a sledge hammer while you are holding the New York phone book to your chest and let him wind up and let you have it. Or let a man with a 35 lb jack hammer thump on your chest. Probably makes for a little better than death, but not much.
     
  12. SSgt Fishslayer

    SSgt Fishslayer New Member

    Messages:
    1,241
    State:
    south carolina
    oh yea of armored chest, let me hit you with a truck. thats kind of what it feels like. you have to figure it this way, a round is coming at you at around 3200 ft per second, and it is going to come to a dead stop as soon as it finds a SAPI plate in your body armor. now all of that inertia and momentum has to go somewhere and it will usually pick your ribcage to try and flex against.
     
  13. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,010
    State:
    TN
    John,

    Thought my 'Radar' left me, but not because of a man named John. Surely it will work better for a knight, than it did me. :big_smile:

    Your armor is nice and shiny, like gold. If it's gold, be sure and get a good price for it on the gold market. It will look good on you, in that green truck, I'd keep it, if I were you. Be sure and take a pic with the truck, for future reference. :wink:

    Now that you are a knight, would you please come kill that dang woodpecker that can't find and keep a girlfriend? He is back trying to get bugs outta my tin, over the chimney. He must be getting old though, he now comes an hour later. The neighbors laugh and wonder if he wakes me, instead of shooting him. :angry:

    Ever had woodpecker dumplings?
    Cheryl
     
  14. bootshowl

    bootshowl New Member

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    2,288
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    John be careful wearing that armor when ya go out. I know the "changing tables" in the men's room won't stand up to the weight......
    :smile2:
     
  15. pk_powell

    pk_powell New Member

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    3,485
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    You sure do have a way with words. I enjoy reading your posts all the time!:big_smile:Sister Pat
     
  16. shania

    shania New Member

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    Hey John,
    That is a great post,
    but that's nothing new / I shouldn't be surprise because all of your post are good ones.
    :wink:
     
  17. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    I appreciate everyones comments Bert yours I enjoy esp. for some reason. Thank you. John.
     
  18. postbeetle

    postbeetle New Member

    Messages:
    6,598
    State:
    Iowa
    I am gonna start a thread, prob. about three 0'clock in the morning, about something. Check it out, I am curious about something about you as well as a number of other folk on here.

    See if it makes sense, and comment if you want. John.
     
  19. smokey

    smokey New Member

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    1,876
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    ahh yes, I can see John now sitting on that bag of seeds,waving at the ATF guys in his backyard.You are a mixed bad of nuts, Lad. Wont want any other way.GO Beetle Go. smokey
     
  20. Kat-tamer

    Kat-tamer New Member

    Messages:
    875
    State:
    Missouri
    WooHoo....New weapons and armor! Now they gonna have a problem gettin ya!:wink:

    By the way, that aint the part that's gonna be dented if my plumbing don't get fixed!:wink: (I meant the helmet)
    Cast iron skillets sure do make a big "ding" in armor!:smile2: