Advice please

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by shadow, Sep 27, 2005.

  1. shadow

    shadow New Member

    Messages:
    136
    I have a 89 year old mother that has been living with the "war dept" and I for the last few months for health reasons. She is now in the hospital and the Drs' have told us that she no longer will be able to either live by herself or with us, she will need professional help 24/7.

    I am having a hard time accepting the fact that she is in failing health and must go to a nursing facility. Also, I have no idea of how to break this bad news to her.

    Any of you brothers out there had this problem? How did you handle it?
     
  2. ryang

    ryang Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,378
    State:
    Blacklick, Ohio
    Name:
    Gary
    Shadow,

    My sympathy to you and your family, Prior to my Dad being called up to meet the Lord we had Hospice come in for about the last 4-6 months. I would highly sugest talking to them if you have them around they did a wonderful job with my Dad and our family. You cant control when she will go but you can control how (kind of). Again my sympathies towards you and yours.
     

  3. fwmud

    fwmud New Member

    Messages:
    693
    State:
    Wilson's Mills,nc
    Shadow, same thing here brother. I'm very sorry to hear this news for you.
    Hospice is a great organization and they may be able to help/point you in a direction thats good for both you and your mother.
    I've not had to deal with this as of yet,but,the only advice I could give would be to try to be strong, sit down as her son and explain what is going to happen. I think it'd be better coming from her son with love for her than from a impersonal doctor or nurse.
    My thoughts and prayers will be with you in this trying time.
    God bless, Keith
     
  4. elphaba7

    elphaba7 New Member

    Messages:
    795
    State:
    Mo'town, WV
    I would definately research the hospice option, if you can. I have nothing but good to say about them, after the care they gave my father-in-law when he was in his final stages, and wanted to stay at home. They came in, set him up with a hospital bed, and trained us all to care for him. They also came in every day to do checkups, and we had 24 hour emergency response through them. Other than that, I can't offer much help. I'll be thinking about you and your mother.
     
  5. Phil Washburn

    Phil Washburn New Member

    Messages:
    7,680
    State:
    Shawnee OK
    shadow, my dad is in very bad shape, and he won't hear of going to a nursing home. it is about to wear my mom out. they too, have hospice, and it has been a godsend. look into it my friend, and may the good Lord be with you in your time of need
     
  6. SSG Johnson

    SSG Johnson New Member

    Messages:
    638
    State:
    Saint Robert Missouri
    Shadow have you thought about getting a nurse to stay with her my grandmother wouldnt go to a home and thats what we ended up doing. She moved next door to a nurse that looked after her and used a baby monitor to keep track of her at all times. It may not be the answere for you but you might think it over. I know its hard on you but hang in there brother we will add you to our prayer request.
     
  7. blackwaterkatz

    blackwaterkatz Active Member

    Messages:
    3,659
    State:
    Andrews, SC
    Shadow, my wife and I went through a similar thing with her mother some years ago. It is terribly difficult. You haven't mentioned that her condition is terminal, so I assume it is not. What we did was sit down with her and her doctor and explain how important 24 hour care is to her, and how hard it is on the siblings and family to provide the sort of care needed.
    It was a real strain on my wife, and still is. She would prefer to have her mom here with us still, but she knows that can't be. Her mom's dementia has steadily worsened over the years, but her overall physical health has held fairly constant, probably due to the professional healthcare she receives, and my wife is grateful for that.
    At least, speak with her doctor about it, he has surely seen this situation many times and can probably offer good advice.
     
  8. nuthinlikeacat

    nuthinlikeacat New Member

    Messages:
    517
    State:
    Eden Prairie, Minnesota
    Sorry to hear the bad news Shadow.

    Last March my father was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Stage 4. It was a large cancer of the brain. Doctors gave him 4 months to live. As a family we looked into all available options out there. After we did the research, we talked to him about it and let him know of the available options. My father vowed NEVER to go into a nursing home.

    The option we chose was hospice. They set us up with everything we needed, a bed, a walker and wheelchair for when the time came for them. They taught us how to do everything, and they always had someone stop by if there was ever any questions or needs, and they were always a call away.

    My father passed 2 and a half months after being diagnosed. Looking back on the situation, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I'll admit, It was very, very rough on our family....them types of sitautions are never very easy, but I don't know if I could have ever forgiven myself if we would have let him pass in a nursing home, especially since he never wanted to go.
     
  9. muskyman

    muskyman Active Member

    Messages:
    392
    State:
    Loudon TN
    Name:
    David
    I had my grandma on my dads side, pass away in a home and my grandpa on my mothers side pass away at home with hospice and all. It sucked if you ask me either way. I wish I did not live across the U.S. as we only had time for one visit and that was the last time I saw either of them. I really wish my grandma had been alive to see my big catfish I got the other day. It would surely have made her face light up. My only advise would be to spend as much time as possible with anyone in either situation. Cause when their gone, their gone.
     
  10. nuthinlikeacat

    nuthinlikeacat New Member

    Messages:
    517
    State:
    Eden Prairie, Minnesota
    Musky has a great point there. Spend as much time as you can with them. Some of the fondest memories I have of my father are ones that we shared before he passed.
     
  11. Aquacat

    Aquacat New Member

    Messages:
    346
    State:
    Sherman, Texas
    Shadow, you and your wife will be in my prayers I'm very sorry.
     
  12. FS Driver

    FS Driver New Member

    Messages:
    2,323
    State:
    swansea,illinoi
    prayers sent from here as well shadow.

    hospice would be the best place to start i seen the results of a few bad
    nursing homes and its not pleasent to think about.
    yes it is difficult to care for our elderly but it isnt easy raiseing a baby either .
    hospice can help considerably,
    as others said earlier stay strong . and pray
     
  13. JERMSQUIRM

    JERMSQUIRM New Member

    Messages:
    13,145
    State:
    il-waynesv
    sorry to hear the news.i will keep ya in my prayers. my grandfather just got home tonight from a heart related problem. ive not been in this situation yet. god bless ya and it,however ya do it can't be easy.
     
  14. shadow

    shadow New Member

    Messages:
    136
    Many THANKS for the replies and the prayers. I make the 120 mile round trip every day to visit her and it is depressing to watch her just wasting away so slowly. The depression is offset somewhat by getting on here with my friends and "visiting" for a while. Once again, I thank you so much.
     
  15. nuthinlikeacat

    nuthinlikeacat New Member

    Messages:
    517
    State:
    Eden Prairie, Minnesota
    I know the whole depression thing well.... Watching a person fail is not easy. You just have to hope and pray that there will still be MANY, MANY good days left.

    I'm praying and pulling for ya in this tough time.
     
  16. jtrew

    jtrew New Member

    Messages:
    4,404
    State:
    Little Rock, AR
    Shadow, when we moved back to Arkansas in 1983, we lived with my wife's grandmother for about a year. I was recovering from major surgery, and my only job was taking care of her. She had Alzheimers disease, and she finally got to the point where one person wasn't enough to keep track of her. In as little as 4 or 5 minutes unsupervised, she was liable to get into anything, or even leave the house. The only option was to put her into a nursing home. My mother-in-law is at the point where she can't live alone all the time, but with someone coming in to spend the night with her, and one of her kids staying with her over the weekends, she hasn't had to go to a nursing home yet.
     
  17. olefin

    olefin New Member

    Messages:
    3,908
    State:
    Texas
    Shadow, it's very sad but there comes a time when there is no option but a nursing home. I had the same thing happen with both of my parents. But fortunately they both only lasted a couple months.

    With my wife parents, her mother had Parkinson and her dad cared for her at home with the help from Home Health Care.... she died at home. Then 4 years later he had a severe stroke, my wife instructed the doctors to not put him on life support, in the past her dad had told us to do just that ... he died in a few days with my wife and I at his bedside.

    My sympathy to you and your family.